Last night, I laid in my bed and looked up at the bright stars in the sky. I thought to myself about all of the many years of my life and all the different types of people I’ve met and sometimes even married. I had learned so much. Then I thought to myself……where the shit’s my roof??
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The road to success is always under construction.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandad did, in his sleep….not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
If you’re going to die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Women are like phones. They love to be held, talked to, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.
I told Wifey that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If Barbie is so popular, why the hell do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits his ass is lost?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
You know….I could’ve eaten Alphabits cereal and crapped out a better blog!!