A FRIGGIN BLOG FOR TREE HUGGERS!

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~TREES By Joyce Kilmer~

I think that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed

Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by people like me,

But only God can make a tree.

~MY TREES by Charlie~

Trees have leaves that cover the ground,

That beckon me to rake my weekends away.

Trees have acorns and cones that fall to earth,

And pound my roof, night and day.

Trees have roots, that plow the earth,

And claims my pipes as it rips terrain.

Worshiped by plumber and gardener alike,

For me, the tree is but torment and pain.

Chop them up for kindling and fuel,

Timber for houses and gallows alike.

I’ll not hug a spruce, pine or maple,

Nor share a woody, on a forest hike.

Tree poems are made by idiots like me,

But only a lumberjack, truly loves a tree.

What if God was a She-God?

Okay…..I know, I know……God has no sex, so with that said, back to my blog;

      IT IS WRITTEN:  the omnipotent She-God created and decorated the Garden of Eden and exclaimed, “This is a good thing.”  So the She-God would have someone to gossip with, she also created Eve and likewise said, “This is a good thing.” But in time, Eve talked so much that She-God hardly had time to create, so She-God created Adeline to keep Eve company and out of her hair and She-God said, “This is a good thing, but one thing, girls,” said She-God. “Don’t eat of the  ‘forbidden fruit’.”

    “You talking about the fig tree?“ asked Adeline.

    “Don’t mess with me,“ rebuked She-God to Adeline. “You know I mean the apple tree and that goes for you too Eve.” Well, the first problem would be that nobody is going to tell a woman what she can or cannot eat! There was no cake or Haagen Dazs or chocolate or fast food in this perfect garden and someone’s going to say NO!, to a friggin apple?!!  Don’t think so. Okay, so the two wood nymphs ate half the apples and most likely made jelly with the rest.

    The side effect of their actions was now they saw themselves naked. Now, the jealousy started up.  “Like, I’m getting so fat, why did you let me eat all that jelly??? You are a total Bi*ch!”, said Eve.

    “Look whose talking,” answered Adeline. “Miss Piggy with the buffalo butt!” Listening to the bitching and whining of the two Garden bimbos aggravated She-God. Then She-God had an idea!

    “Let there be a mall,” declared She-God, and it was done and She-God said, “This is a good thing.” So, it may sound strange to visualize a mall inside the Garden of Eden, but how many times have you walked into a new mall for the first time and said….”Holy crap! This is paradise!”

    She-God created she-clerks and she-managers and she-security and she-shoppers, etc. After a while all the she-workers got together and formed she-unions and had very loud meetings and strikes were called and the she-strikers carried signs that said.…‘SHE-GOD NOT FAIR TO SHE-UNIONS‘.  She-God got pissed and created 40 days and forty nights of PMS. The mall was then devoid of sales and current fashions. The food court ran out of pasta and salad and Starbucks no longer had cappuccino. The Garden of Eden was in lock-down! 

    But, the she’s were not subdued and still they rose up in agitated and frustrated masses. She-God now saw their need and from deep within the great Garden of Eden, She-God brought forth an orangutan. She took the simple beast and shaved it’s fur off and fed it Viagra and commanded it to seek out beings with multiple orifices. This, She-God called “he” ……and this too was a good thing. She-God then sent it forth to wander in the mall. The she’s fell upon the creation with glee and gluttony. Soon the she’s demanded more “he’s” so to fix plumbing and buff mall floors and take away trash. But, She-God had creating to do elsewhere, so She-God commanded they create their own “he’s” and they did so in abundance and they all said it was a really, really good thing.

    In time, the Garden of Eden was overrun with she’s and he’s and She-God had to stop working on Mars and Venus and stay proactive in Eden. This was not a good thing. She-God had planned to put the she’s on Venus and the he’s on Mars, but now those plans had to be put off until the end of 2012.….

    There is another scenario that involves Adam and Andy, but that’s for another day.

DISCLAIMER:

This little blog was fiction and NOT intended to become the core or foundation for a following or cult. All references to deities was solely created for entertainment purposes and in no way reflects the writer’s ideology or philosophy. Thank you and may the She-God bless you and your havest.

SEX IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY 56 FORD

    Well, let me see……when I was a young teen, sex was fairly new and not a lot of people knew about it. When I found out what it was all about, I realized then, that the reason I had never heard anyone talk about it was because they were afraid people would think they were insane. Seems it made you babble and slur the English language, made you feel like you were drowning in marshmallows and the ‘event’ was so intense, that it made you forget your mother’s face. Sex was the only thing, next to a mule’s kick in the head, that could stop your brain from making brain waves. In my case the waves were more like “flutters”.

    I digress…..this great mystery was unfolded to me in the backseat of my 56 Ford, on the night of June 14th, 1964 at approximately 10:15 pm with a girl named Susan. I was to remember her face for decades to come, but not her last name or anything about her prior to June 14th, 1964. There was a light misting rain and I remember the car windows were fogged up.  Under The Boardwalk by the Drifters was playing on the radio as I clumsily explored Susan’s nether regions. It was not long before the mule kicked me in the head and I was grunting like some Paleolithic cave dweller. The event was soon over.

    I was totally embarrassed over my behavior. Shaking, babbling, eyes crossed and confused as what to say next. It had been an intense 20 seconds……I was a mess!  I remember very little of Susan’s predicament, except for her shouting OUCH! several times, but I’m sure it was awkward for her as well. From this experience I now knew why sex was only whispered about behind the school gym in shadowed corners and then only among bonded friends. It was humiliating! I was all-city on our football team, Honor Roll and president of the school’s glee club and as a maturing young man, I was a walking fountain of testosterones. But, in the backseat of that Ford….I was a sniveling little runt of a teen on the verge of wailing in anguish over this bizarre epiphany.

    In time, like all calamities of life, the magnitude of what I had experienced finally flourished into a plethora of emotions. The backseat of that Ford soon became an alter of love where I took a number ‘vessel virgins’ to be sacrificed. More vessel than virgin in most cases but none the less, it became sacred. Years later, when I sold the car, it was almost like the dying of a good friend mixed with the confusion of a divorce. A mixture of good memories, shame, selfishness, bewilderment and absolute ecstasy. It was not until my thirties that I discovered sex was a tool used by women to enslave and punish men. It had come a long ways from the backseat of my 56 Ford.

 

 

Why Do People Die?

   LIFE IS A WALK, TAKEN BUT ONCE 

        

   Well….that’s a hell of a question with numerous answers, but only one seems to stand out when you die.….“you’re done!”  That answer hurts too many feelings, which classifies it as spiritually and politically incorrect. The more liberal answer would be that you have become ‘life challenged’. The government will classify you as tax depleted and several relatives will simply consider you unavailable (ie….your season ticket for the ball park).

    We all exist in a common, but unique cycle called life. Every creature that roams this planet is part of it. You do your time and then you just simply shut down and rot to dust and blow away….sorry, I don’t do eulogies very well. Anyway, it is estimated that 101 billion people have died on this dirt ball since 8,000 B.C. Currently, there are 7 billion imminent deaths walking around right now awaiting their turn.

    The life expectancy in our country for males is 77 years and for females 80 years, (females require more time to get ready to go I guess). Living longer is a blessing to many and a curse to others. Well loved matriarchs and patriarchs will relish every moment of their allotted time surrounded by litters of loved ones, while, too many others live sad and lonely lives on the fringe of our society. These infirmed and terminal souls have simply given up and are waiting for their final breath.

    Back to the question; “why do people die?” Well, the answer is also found in “why do people live?”  I believe, that with the allotted time we have, that our days are measured in such a way that it is sufficient time for us to experience the full spectrum of life. There is just enough time to learn and experience the incredible wonders of our world and to come to the realization of how insignificant we truly are in it’s magnitude. Each of us quickly learn that we showed up for this life prepared to love, rejoice, grieve, learn, suffer, appreciate and give of ourselves.

    It’s a fact that none of us knows when this fantastic trip will end and that it can be taken away at any moment by a misdirected heartbeat. With that sobering thought, we must make the most out of every single day. Find something beautiful and unique everyday and dwell on it. It can be the soft fragrance of blooming jasmine or the robust smell of baking bread. The sound of a spring breeze through the trees, the light crunch of fresh snow, a sad violin and the joyous laughter of children. Taking a sleepy peek at a sunrise or a long and reverent look at a sunset. These are but a few of the treasures of this life that we can enjoy and cherish. As the years quickly pass us by, it will not be the things we did that we often regret, but the things we did not do. We are also given just enough time to propagate and replace ourselves with, we hope, a better generation. Nurtured with affection, strong values, principles and love. 

Now the answer;

     We may or may not leave our mark at the final gong, but I have come to the realization, at the age of 65, why all people have to die….if not, life would have no value.
             

  “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”