Why do we have pet names for the ones we love? Another level of endearment? Easier to remember than their real name, (large families)? Maybe it’s a method to show love to some and to humiliate others. When we’re young, pet names was a way of life. It was a way of protecting ‘Snuffy’ your pet rabbit, cause no one ever eats a pet, once you name it. Until I was twelve, I thought my own pet name was ‘dumass’ until mom took it away from me and gave it to dad.

     The obsession that young men have with pet names is bewildering. Every woman in his social life has a pet name, like ‘Sweet Cheeks‘, ‘Sugar Lips’ or ‘Honey Rump’. Then, during his lifetime, he will go through half a dozen pet names for his own genitalia. During his 20‘s, his apparatus may be addressed each morning with….“Good morning Love Python.” During his 40’s…..“Good morning Wonder Wand,” and finally during his 60’s….“That’s alright Goober, you just keep hibernating.”

     Pet names really stick to people too, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive. Two guys I grew up with were called ‘Flipper’ (big feet) and ‘Snout‘, (big nose). These guys I’ve known for over 50 years, and I still address them by their ancient pet names, maybe cause I can no longer remember their real ones. One old friend, now incinerated, was called ‘Thud’, because he once drank too much of his dad’s Crown Royal and while we were paying cards in his attic, he passed out and his head hit the attic floor with….yep, a thud.

     We give our children pet names as a means of bonding and as a blackmailing tool once they reach their teens. Woofy, Weezer, Acorn and Fluff Butt were the pet names I decreed on my prodigy and to this day, they cringe when I use them in front of their kids and spouses. I’ve got too many grandkids to hang a name on, (12), so I mostly call them either Larry, Curly, Moe or Hillary.

     Now, my wife and I have had the same pet names for decades. When we first got married we tried out a number of possibilities. At first, she called me ‘Stallion’, but that soon morphed down to ‘Dumass’. At first, she was my ‘Tootles’, but that changed to ‘Yes Dear’ within the first year. Anyway, I have lovingly called her ‘Wifey’ and ‘Babes’ for many years now, and she has started calling me ‘Stallion’ once again…..seems she doesn’t want me to become depressed in my golden years.



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