The Problem With Women’s Fashions


     I’m considered an expert in the field of woman’s fashion. I know this because Wifey always asks my opinion when she dresses up to go out to dinner or to walk out to the mailbox. I look her over, suck on my molars for a moment, and then express my total approval in her selection and bodily presentation of said garments. I once expressed concern about her sweatpants being a little tight and for a week I had to endure rat meat and moldy bread for dinner. Since then, I have been totally enlightened.

    Women’s clothes make no sense to me. Wifey says the same thing, and says it’s because men are the one’s that design them! Most of what a woman wears has to expose as much skin as possible. Not that I’m oppose to a little feminine epidermis, but one trip to the cattle farm at Wal-Mart can sterilize that conception. Why do women still wear dresses? What purpose does it serve to wear a single piece of fabric wrapped around you? You have to be careful when you sit, of brisk winds, guys with cameras taped to their shoes and knickers with weak elastic. I just don’t understand.

    Women look fine in slacks. Don’t have to shave their legs, except on their husband’s birthday, knickers are optional and they have pockets for their lipstick, ID, money and keys. So why carry a $100 purse? Or is it a pocketbook which makes no sense as to what part is a pocket and a book? A clutch? What does shifting gears have to do with a woman’s stuff?  Then there’s the purse. Everybody knows that a purse is what you get when you stomp the crap out of somebody in a boxing ring, which is really square and not round like a ring….sorry, got off subject.

    Then….there’s the greatest bewilderment of all……SHOES!!  What is too many shoes? Wifey has more shoes than Napoleon’s army ever had, and still requisitions for more. We go on a vacation and she needs new shoes. It’s summer….it’s fall….it’s winter….then it’s spring….and she has to buy more shoes with every fluctuation of the thermometer. I’ve got a pair of brown Dockers from 2008 and they’re just fine. I did buy a new pair of flip flops last year when the duct tape on the old pair worn out.  Now here’s my other gripe about women’s shoes….they’re crap! Poorly made by small, over worked, Asian children and sold at a premium to the western world. Straps that come undone, heels that break off, rhinestones and rivets that pop off and tennis shoes that explode if she’s a half size to big. And what’s the friggin logic of six inch heels?? Self defense? Spearing pigeons in the park or just giving the elusion of height, like a Masai warrior fromAfrica?

    One final analysis. The price of women’s clothes. Are you friggin kidding me???? The investment for one years wardrobe, with a two size fluctuation, is the equivalent of forty cases of beer and two hundred pounds of chicken wings.  However, I did not include the $200 Jimmy Choo pumps, which she will have to wait and buy after the reading of my will!