I’M NOT PERFECT

This may come as a shock to Wifey and the dog…..but, I’m not perfect! Nope. As a matter of fact, I believe that I have more foibles that most people who are not institutionalized. I have tended to dwell in mediocrity for most of my life, but fortunately my offspring were able to repel those negative genes during the first micro moments of conception and they developed untarnished. Now, please don’t think I’m bearing a pathetic soul in order to garnish sympathy from the occasional reader. I have recognized and even embraced my short comings as part of my identity and demeanor. It is who I am, and from that I gain strength.

I have three primary weaknesses and 1,326 secondary weaknesses. I shall blog on the three primaries and save the secondaries for a book. I have had a lifelong love affair with bacon, butter and beer. First of all, when God gave man bacon, it was a peace offering because of the first global warming thingy that caused the Great Flood which whacked out all of mankind, saving only Noah, his crew, the petting zoo and the OMG Ark. To this day, every time I consume a crisp strip of the divine pork belly, I show adoration by declaring, “Oh my God, that’s friggin good!” The second, butter, has also been my nemesis. There are only three items on this planet that butter can’t enhanced the flavor of….sushi, goat fur and bat anuses. I cook with it, put it on all warm food, and up until 1998, I used it in carnal experimentation.

Now, I come to my third and final weakness….beer. First, let me issue a disclaimer to the temperance members by saying that I only enjoy beer when I drink it and not at any other time. I never drink beer in the morning, as it gives my bacon an odd taste, but it is totally acceptable when having last nights bacon pizza for breakfast. I enjoy beer when I go out, like to restaurants, friend’s homes or out to the mailbox. I never, ever drink and drive, now that Wifey’s retired and can drive me around. Sunday football with bacon pizza…..hot buttered popcorn……beer…..yep, life is friggin good!

As I said, I’m not perfect. I have my shortcomings, but I also have my plusses. I want to be remembered for the fact that I sometimes shared my beer and even gave out baggies loaded with of my famous Mac & Cheese & Bacon casserole, topped with buttered croutons. Also, when I drove, I braked for all squirrels and most teens. I tipped well at Hooters, I didn’t chase after whatever it was that men chased after in my youth, and I never peed in the shower….on purpose. My philosophy…..if the glass is half empty, then the barkeeps pissed about the tip.

Charlie

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One thought on “I’M NOT PERFECT

  1. Charlie, since I am a vegetarian, I can not agree with you concerning the pleasures of bacon. Butter and beer, though, well, I am fully on board. One question. If, as you say, ” butter can’t enhanced the flavor of….sushi, goat fur and bat anuses”, then you must have tried all three. Have you? In that order? Because I have it on good authority that the order is important. Perhaps if you started with the bat anus?

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