I got out of the shower, a few weeks ago, and noticed that it took me longer to dry off than usual. I powder spanked myself and dabbed some English Leather pit salve on and emerged from the bathroom like a bottled up genie in a cloud of steam vapor. Wifey was busy sabotaging my sock drawer when she looked my way. I have to be careful when I suddenly expose myself like this to Wifey as her hormones may implode and cause an uncontrollable desires on her part. She denies it, but I do hear a type of groan coming from her when I present myself in all my glory.

   “Why did you buy smaller bath towels,” I asked. “took me twice as long to dry off.”

   My good Wifey continued her sock project and simply said, “I didn’t. They’re the same towels we’ve had for the last two years.”

   “No, they‘re not,” I say, “these are smaller!”

   “They are the same old towels.” she said, “You just got bigger.”

   There was a silence during that moment that only occurs a few times during a marriage. The first fart of the marriage…..the first time she sees you picking your nose…..and when she asks how much is in the savings account. Mind bending silences. This was one of them. After standing there exposed and quickly becoming insecure, I asked, in one of my quiet voices, “What ya mean?”

   “Honey, you’re gaining weight again,” she answered in one of her own quiet voices. “Don’t buy anymore dark blue socks,” she continued, “because they’re a pain in the butt to match!”

   “Gaining weight?” I asked in another one of my quiet voices, the type you use just before you cry or have an orgasm.

   “Sweetheart, you’ve been gaining weight ever since M.A.S.H. went off the air,” she answered as a matter-a-fact. “Towels don’t shrink and neither do you.” She can be ruthless at times.

   I’ve always been a big guy….my entire life. I weighed almost 200 pounds when I was in high school and 230 pounds when I wrestled in college. In my thirties, I stayed around 225. I was almost 6’ 1” and very active. Towards the end of my forties, I believe I was one of the few men to ever go through menopause and then once again in my fifties. At 55, I was 300 pounds. Wifey called me her Teddy Bear, but I’m sure, behind my back, she referred to me as her Pillsbury Dough Stud.

   I tried a few diets, I think about 80 or 90 of them. Most were only for two or three days at a time and when I didn’t see results, I would always console myself at the Wel Hong Dragon, Chinese smorgasbord. I’ve also had more advice from skinny people than I want to remember. They always make comments like, “You need to cut down on your portions,” or “stay away from breads and sweets.” I’ve had diet advice like eating pineapple skins and corn husk followed by Alka Seltzer enemas! Seems no one understands that I have a gland problem….my salivary glands.

   Now, in my sixties, I do pay more attention to what I eat. I concentrate on the four food groups; bacon, deep fried, Häagen-Dazs and gravy. I allow myself lite snacks like buttered items, fried cucumbers, fried bananas and fruity cream cheese. I feel more active now and go to the golf course twice a week now……they have a great buffet in the clubhouse.

                                                                                                                             

                                              The Pillsbury Dough Stud